Dog tag

Hello, sorry I have been quite lazy and not keeping this blog updated (as with my previous blogs...)

I have been passing by this primary school near where I live en route to the bus stop. Sometimes there's this little curly fluffy dog being tied to the pole with a red leash, possibly by one of the school children's parents. As a massive dog lover of course, I always stop by and give the fluffy fella a stroke or two.

This morning tho, I had (or rather *think* I had) make a break through - the glorious sun finally shone light onto the dog's tag and it reads 'I am chipped'.

I was flipping delighted. For months I have been left in the mysterious dark as I could not figure out the dog's name nor read it off the dog tag. It was the moment. It really was.

So I kept calling the dog 'Chipped! Chipped, awww Chipped!'. Hmm. Weird. The dog didn't quite respond to that. I wondered why.

After a prolonged stroking session a man pushing a little girl in a pram approached me and said 'Oh hello! He is a bit smelly, he needs a bath soon *points towards the dog with his chin*.'

'Hi! I have been seeing him around for months! Glad to finally know his name is Chipped!' I said, excitedly.

'Oh his name is not Chipped!! His name is Monty! I put "I am chipped" there to prevent anyone from taking him away!'

God. It was embarrassing. I am a moron.

Toastless void

Reverting back to the present, suddenly I craved toasts like mad today and to be honest, I am not a frequent toast eater.

So I had 4 buttered toasts to curb the toastless void in my life.

Job done. I love my butter. I hope my heart loves it as much as I do.

(I even tried playing fetch with myself using toasts. Brilliant. You can ask me for a picture of that.)

One of two Saturdays.

(Sorry about the weird chronology - been flipping busy in January and trying to catch up documenting my sad life for my future self and partner/ children/ grandchildren etc. to laugh at.)

Last Saturday and its predecessor were musically exciting and equally exhausting.

12th January

The night before I was walking home in the dark and was fiddling round with the then deserted Twitter. To my surprise Foals were asking people to join in their video shoot, of course I thought why not!

In the morning I had sort out my passport renewal (cheaper to renew it in le UK than in HK) and then get my unkempt mop cut. I was also trying out my pair of new platforms - and fell over the pavement, into the mud because they are a size too big.

Anyway I went to The Garage and bumped into a couple on the way. I was mega awed by the amount of people already there. (**Please note the couple and I all arrived earlier than designated time**)

Blimey.

A bit of banter with the couple and realised we travelled from (and live around) the same Underground station. Woah. Small world. I also found myself absorbing the very nice girl's Scouse accent, as I always do when talking to or even texting people. 

Fast forward - the bouncer sent nearly everyone home because apparently the video producer/ director etc 'the lot' had already hired extras so fans can fuck off. A lot of people waited around and it was then I befriended many amazing people - French, German and more King's College students. (It's getting mildly worrying that the French and Germans would rather speak to me in English and ignore my attempts in speaking in their tongues. Deterioration occurs quickly.)

After a few hours of hot chocolate drinking, trying not to die in the cold I finally made it in! (I had nowhere to go because I was meeting some friends at 9pm yet it would be ridiculous for me to travel back my crib and then out again.) The (seemingly Northern) bouncer was being super rude and was basically a dick. (slamming the door in your face and things alike)

Whilst waiting for the filming to re-commence, I reunited with two of the girls I met in the queue. After some chinwag I found out they're doing English at King's College (all students I have been meeting at gigs are all from KCL, WEIRD WEIRD). So sitting on the ground, we were talking about poetry and that Roland Barthes essay that every English student seems to have read. Thanks to them I finally know about the rivalry between KCL and UCL. Ha. 

The filming was rather fun because we got played roughly 5 seconds of the song to dance to then stop again. After a while, Yannis got out a bottle of Jack Daniels and was drinking it plain, then passed it around the room. People who know me personally know I can't drink but I still took a sip - social pressure! There were steadycams and funny instructions and it was good fun. 

The following conversation occured that night : 

Me : I took a sip from the bottle of JD that was passed around the room.

Nice friend of mine : Don't be surprised if you wake up tomorrow with herpes.

Thanks to dickhead bouncer I only was present for about an hour so I thought I would not survive the editing BUT final product : 

I found myself @ 1:22 jumping up and down (because of my extraordinary height). 

If it wasn't for my special top + crazy jumping I think I would've just missed my 2 seconds of fame. 

(Funnily enough that top always seems to be worn by me when trying to embarrass myself musically

This is me tripping over on stage in Hong Kong (around 3:58) wearing the very same top)

After the video shoot I went to meet up with my pals travelling from Cambridge who were hosting a show in Dalston. Just when I thought I had met London's worst bouncer - no someone topped that. I don't even want to go into the details because even I can't laugh at myself. It was plain humiliating and on my way back, on the tube, I thought to myself 'I should've just stayed being a Christian and become a nun instead. So the only occasions I am allowed out are to get groceries (or maybe some fresh air?).' Gasp. 

It would have been a much much much better (Satur)day if it wasn't for the existence dickhead bouncers. (and probably my own bad luck for bumping into them out of the many bouncers out there. Don't get me wrong, I have met some lovely bouncers before.............albeit rare.)

Light switches

Living in a different country/ place sort of means a lot of learning and culture shocks but to be honest, I have been doing rather fine in England (so far).

BUT.

ONE THING.

BIG BIG CULTURE SHOCK THIS.

Light switches.

Yes.

One day when I'm a wrinkly granny I can tell my grandchildren 'Oh when your granny was young she lived in London for a short while, and she learnt a lot about light switches!'

Now let me begin by giving you a background lesson on light switches in Hong Kong, they normally look like this when mounted on the wall :

And when they come in the form of lamps, they look like this :

So basically my point is : in HK, the light switches work by magical clickty-clicks. Nothing fancy. Easily accesible. 

Come English light switches (okay, yes I did take the above pictures just then (in England) but you know, not all lights have switches that are as evil, impersonal and unfriendly), THIS : 

Now what the actual _ _ _ _? How are you supposed to - click this crap?????? 

I remember the first time I had to confront this beast face-to-face I was staying at a friend's and was placed in a spare room. I had to run to the loo (classic me) during the night and I could only reach for the main light switch on the wall that's not even close. JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIGURE THIS SHITE OUT. 

I don't really see the point of not having one of those clickty-click switches. Plus these are always found under the lampshade which makes them extra awkward to locate and of course, OPERATE. 

And now let us not forget that dangly string that seems to exist in every single English bathroom : 

(courtesy of Google)

Why? Is there an unspoken rule/ consensus amongst the English that one has to install this sort of light in their own bathroom?

Someone tell me. Please.

To The Old Year, 2012

2012. Wow. What a mega stressful year. Far too many important decisions made and I hope I won't regret (too many of) them in the coming year. It seems that my life is like a microcosm of the world in 2012 (lol) - the Olympics, Jubilee, Hong Kong getting a new Chief Executive etc etc.

I think it's better to do two lists to sum up 2012 so I don't bore people with my long-winded paragraphs!

The yays :

• I got out of Hong Kong and farewelled a lot of people and things that I've always wanted to farewell - WHAT A RELIEF! + relocated (temporarily) in a city that is a.k.a. music paradise.
• As a language enthusiast I am happy to say I've taken up Gaelic this year! Dia huit!
• As a music enthusiast I am also very happy to say I've tried playing the violin this year and have not yet mastered the vibrato (boo).
• I made it on to someone's album/ track sooner that I thought (I didn't sing, don't worry!)
  Listen to the track here : http://youtu.be/UH-l_7nA2h0
• Seen some biiig bands this year in Hong Kong : Stone Roses & Jesus and the Mary Chain
• Been to more gigs ever since I got to London than I normally would in Hong Kong for a year
• Educated many people on the differences between Hong Kong and China (spread the gospel!)
• Continued my way of meeting people - through gigs. Met some lovely lovely folks both in Hong Kong and in London. (for some reason all the London gig-goers I've met are all students at King's College Ldn?!)
• Been there, done that - being grilled vis-a-vis, tete-a-tete by Bridge academics. Phew. Regardless of the results, still an act of bravery, that. 
• Read the most amount of books I have in my entire life in 2012. More years of book-reading to come, I can foresee. (+ I figured out how to look a literature student : always carry a book published by : Penguin/ Vintage/ Wordsworth Classics, Faber & Faber, Routledge. At least when I can't talk the talk, I can look the look.)

The nays :

• I got out of Hong Kong and miss the food (of course bloody Aus Diary/ Milk!), free, non-fee-paying loos, efficient public transport, karaoke, the Octopus card 'doot' and hot pot x 10000 
• Have been too pre-occupied with the private sector of my life I have been super detached from the musical sector. Haven't heard 80% of the releases in 2012. Oops. (Hence I have refrained from doing any 2012 top X albums/ singles lists or tipping the 'next big things in 2013')
• Learnt how to pronounce various names the hard way, e.g. Thom, Rhys, Chiswick, Southwark, Greenwich, Surrey, Thame etc.
• Domestic failures ever since I got to England : burning toasts (I mean to turn white bread into charcoal, that sort of burn), burning a pot and an egg while trying to hard boil it etc etc.
• Day-to-day failures : uttering the wrong greetings that do not correspond with the time of day/ situation, spilling/ knocking over beverages, forcing backflips on cutlery, tripping over far too many things etc etc.
• After about a year (nearly two)'s struggle, I still can't use my R3 synth as a non-midi keyboard. I think an audio interface will solve the problem but neither technology nor music is my forte so...
• Got blacklisted by a PR firm (lolololol)
• My French & German are actually more fluent when I was in HK than when I am actually in Europe (ie now) Ironic, I know.
• Continue being absolutely rubbish with directions. Literally got lost in the most obscure places like UCL, Boots, House of Fraser whatnot and East London. Also always walked in the opposite direction of where I want to go on Canton Road in HK and its Brit equivalent, Oxford Street.
• Still fashionably retarded. Totally feeling fine living in one of the world's fashion capitals.
• FRESH ON NYE : stepped on dog sick because I was completely obliviously blind to the dog's chundered product in the living room. It was pitch dark. What an end to 2012! (I have always had really disastrous NYEs so I am used to them being a low point, which makes the new year seems flipping amazing in contrast!!)

As a whole though, 2012 has been genuinely amazing, felt a lot of love during the turmoils, mayhems etc. and had a lot of fantastic experiences in both Hong Kong and England. A massive thank you to everyone who has made my year a truly worthwhile one! Also to my friends in GB - thanks for making me feel so welcomed when in reality, I probably am not! Honestly hope to be more musically-engaged (again) in the coming year and that I shall return to the land of Eng when I am going back to HK for the summer!

So ready for the transition!

2013 hopes : 

• Start being less of a lazy, messy mofo and be more organised 
• Learn how to cook a few dishes to wow my friends when am back in HK 
• I can come back (to London hopefully) after July! 
• Visit Ireland/ Germany/ France at some point
• Festivals festivals festivals festivals festivals festivals festivals festivals
• I don't muck up things that I shouldn't be mucking up...
• and finally, learn how to speak English for realz. Lol.

(P.S. No the title has nothing to do with that Anne Hunter poem.

Studio trip

It was tragic to have to leave all my beloved instruments behind in Hong Kong, despite I am by no means a great player, I still like to fiddle with something that makes sounds (and pretend I can actually play). The one instrument that I miss the most, ironically one that I have never been able to own, is the drum kit.

After an endless amount of Googling, Yellow Paging, emailing, asking etc etc I reached the conclusion that - there are NO practice studios near where I live. Hmm. In desperation I have been playing (or hammering) : a practice pad/ thighs/ a dobermann/ mattress etc etc.

To cut things short I was told there's a studio in the borough I live, though not close. After having searched for directions this morning I thought it was going to be luurrvley to head there. And so I did.

During my bus ride I got my hair/ scalp pulled by an Azn grandma who was sitting behind me. I was deeply traumatised and I think my actions reflected that. 'Solee' and the ride went on - suddenly with a lot of Cantonese being spoken. I thought I was hallucinating my people speaking but being a constantly sober and drug-free person, that possibility was rather low. So I must have had my hair/ scalp grasped by some distant relatives.

Walking to the studio was basically passing through a cemetery, tonnes of warehouses, tonnes of factories and as I got closer to the studio the signs started to evolve from being written in English to Arabic. Englishly, the sky was grey and the trees stripped. I thought I was in 'This Is English 2k12'.

Got to the studio.
'Oh so you are only here for the drums, right?' Northern studio-keeper asked upon my arrival.
'Yep.'
'Uhh, you don't look like you've got your cymbals with you.' he noticed as he was glancing at me.
'Nope?'
'Oh you know we don't provide or hire cymbals?'
'......No?'
Then I started explaining how in Hong Kong all the studios have cymbals on the drum kits.

'Ah never mind, I can lend you mine! Normally if the drummers forget their cymbals they have to grab ones from the old, broken pile *points towards the pile that looks like it's made up of corroded metallic discs*'
He then handed a bunch of cymbals to me. I think I must have carried them in a very awkward manner cause within 1 minute he decided he would show me how to transport cymbals 'the proper way'.
'You just stack them together and tuck them under your arms!'

Then I was shown to the actual room and left with the cymbals.
I stared at those metallic circular things people called 'cymbals'. Wait. How do they. Go. On the. Hardware. How?
So I asked my Northern pal for help.
'Ahhhh I wouldn't help you if you were ugly.' he said as he was screwing the crash.
That moment I said a prayer thanking my parents under my breath.

Bang bang bang. I messed up the hi-hats. Dang. As usual.
After I was done I detached the cymbals from the hardware and handed them back to Northern guy. He asked 'When do you normally practise then?' Answer. 'Oh, that's great! I can fit you in between the gaps and charge you less, as long as you don't become fat and ugly.'
I suppose I'll have to watch my weight then? Anyway, he did charge me a discounted price for today. I realised after I left. Lol.

Left I turned and waaaait. I think I left something. Miraculously I did and it was my phone charger (cause I forgot to charge my phone in the morning and I needed it for the songs and blah blah blah). Annoyingly I had to return to meet Mr Northerner and he already retrieved it before I did.

If I had known the studios in England don't provide cymbals I would have put on my Christmas wish list 'a set of cymbals'. Or maybe even 'a proper full kit'. Have to wait 362 days now. Dammit.

Herro

Ever since I arrived in London in late August this year, I realised and witnessed how my life started declining in great rapidity. Hence I see it my atonement to document my daily failures for the entertainment of others.

I hope you will enjoy and join in as I laugh at myself (and at times, others).

P.S. F(r)ail Quail is an obvious rip off of Fail Whale (that one from Twitter, yes). It's mainly because I am frail, and I fail on a daily basis. The second half just declares my avian love, and also to make the whole thing rhyme. Yeah.